Our Daily Non-Negotiables
4/365
I get asked all the time - “Leah, if you’re an Unschooler, how do you actually get your kids to… DO anything?! Do they do chores? Do they brush their teeth? Do they read anything?”
And while sometimes the questions are ridiculous and only coming from a place of trying to make Unschooling seem like lazy parenting, usually these are well-meaning, and coming from parents who are genuinely trying to release the control mindset they’ve spent their entire lives living within and just can’t see a vision of living and learning with children who are fully autonomous.
I get it! It’s hard to decondition yourself from all of those deep mental messages about parenting and education…
🧠 Children are blank slates; it’s our job to fill them with the information they need.
🧠 If you don’t make a child do SOMETHING, they won’t do ANYTHING.
🧠 Teens are inherently lazy; you have to force them to do things or they’ll live in your basement forever.
🧠 You work hard to provide for your children, so they OWE you certain things.
For most of us, we grew up with at least some of these messages playing in our minds. And now that we’re parents, it takes effort not to fall into what feels familiar, even if it feels wrong. Unschooling is a journey that will absolutely force you to strip away these old beliefs or you will hit resistance after resistance.
And stripping it away isn’t the full journey! Once that’s all wiped clean… our brains seek something to replace it with:
“Ok… we aren’t going to FORCE. We aren’t going to EXPECT. But then… what do we… DO?!”
Here’s where my family’s Daily Non-Negotiables might come in handy for you as you walk that balance of implementing routine and structure that doesn’t look like force and control.
But first, a note on rules.
In our home, we have ONE rule that cannot be broken: It is my job as your parent to keep you safe.
This means that, while 99% of the time, our children have a choice, anything that comes down to safety is not their choice - it’s the parent’s.
What does this mean? Here are some examples:
👉🏽 Following a curfew - It’s not safe to be wandering around outside without adults after a certain time.
👉🏽 Dangerous tools have homes - If you need a lighter, hammer, scissors, knife, etc., you can use it, but it returns to its home in the kitchen/garage because someone could get hurt if it is left lying around.
👉🏽 People - There are sometimes going to be people that are not safe to be around.
👉🏽 Personal hygiene - If you don’t take care of yourself (i.e. brushing your teeth, showering regularly, etc.), you could get sick. If I allow you to get sick when it could be prevented, I’m not keeping you safe.
You get the idea. It doesn’t mean there’s never a fight, but the kids respect that my role is to keep them safe, and that makes some things hard lines. It also keeps me conscious of why I’m making the choices I am - I don’t ever get to say “because I said so.” 🤣
I also have a rule for myself: It’s my job to make sure my kids know HOW to do everything they’ll need to be functioning adults.
*Controversial Take: No, I don’t make my children do chores*
This is my home and the chores are my responsibility. Sometimes I ask for help, but they are not responsible for maintaining the home that I am in charge of. They have way more of their life than childhood to do that on their own.
But I do make sure they know HOW to do a load of laundry without setting stains, how to run a load of dishes, how to change bedsheets, how to cook some basic meals by themselves, unclog a drain, repair a drywall hole, clean a toilet, change a headlight, etc. I do this by inviting them to join me when I am doing these tasks, at least once or twice each, so they’re able to have that foundation.
Alright, so how do I make sure they’re doing something every day?
Three Daily Non-Negotiables
Years ago we worked together as a family to create what we felt was a fair and healthy pattern of things that each person, regardless of age, would be able to do every day. Yes, adults too. We hold each other accountable, and it’s become a simple system of checking in with ourselves individually and collectively. Every day, each person does something of their choice within each of these three areas:
Something For Your Body
Something For Your Brain
Something For Your Space
Something For Your Body. Since we’ve already covered basic hygiene under the “rules” category, this means doing something good and healthy for your body that isn’t “I brushed my teeth.” Exercise. Go for a walk. Walk the dog. Play basketball. Kick the ball at the goal. Ride your bike. Do yoga. Have a self-care spa day. Do something that is good for your body.
Something For Your Brain. As unschoolers, we don’t have required or structured learning times and expectations. But we do have a plethora of available resources and materials, and are always available to support any interests that come up for the kids. Each day, everyone has to do something good for their brain. Read a book. Watch a documentary. Create something. Write a letter. Solve a problem. Analyze something. Try a new recipe. Challenge your brain in some way.
Something For Your Space. No, I don’t require the kids to do specific chores, but they are responsible for their space (bedrooms), so by encouraging each person to do something for their space every day, it serves as a reminder to care for your space. Get out all the dirty laundry. Run the vacuum. Take out the trash. Change your sheets. Declutter a basket. Rotate books. Something to take pride in your space.
While these non-negotiables are great for accountability practices for the kids, the most important part isn’t even what they are doing - it’s the fact that the adults are participating too. That means that every single day, I have at least three intentional opportunities to model something to my kids about accountability, responsibility, and commitment. Today, for example, for my body, I went to the gym. For my brain, I listened to an audiobook about leadership. For my space, I swept and mopped the floors downstairs. Each day I have a new chance to show up for myself AND my kids.
If you’re looking for a way to introduce a gentle structure into your days, I highly recommend implementing something similar in your home! Have a meeting and talk about what might feel good for your family. I’d love to hear how it works out for you.
🫶🏽 Leah
This has been so helpful! We had daily non-negotiables that could fall into these categories, and this just brought that into an explainable, sharable, simply categorized way to communicate with my kids and keep us all “on track.” Thank you!